Lillith Dunn
eSomethin staff
Since construction of the Perrysburg Costco years ago, Perrysburg High School has been able to brag one safety stat – a safer parking lot than Costco’s. As of April 1, 2026, that is no longer the case.
Costco employees struck at roughly 11:45 p.m. on March 31, working to increase their parking lot’s safety, and to decrease Perrysburg’s.
“They took our traffic cones, which is one of the few safety measures we had left at the parking lot,” school resource officer Greg Cole explained, “which is not only a crime, but, I think, very petty.”
After the theft, students immediately began to take advantage of the clear parking lot pathways.
“It’s great! We can go 45 miles per hour now, and the speed bumps can’t stop us!” one senior exclaimed.
Obviously, this causes some major problems. Officer Cole has reported 18 car crashes on April first alone, an unprecedented number in Perrysburg’s history and even worse, beating out Costco as the most hazardous drive in town. Cole has been giving out more speeding tickets in Perrysburg’s lot than the 50/50 raffle on football Fridays.
“I’m not proud of it,” he admits, “but I’ve been spray painting over most of Costco’s stop signs. Without our parking lot safety stats, this school is nothing.”
When asked, Costco declined to give a statement. However, they have now implemented a $3,000 fine for any traffic violations, have hired traffic directors to tell drivers when to pull in and out, in addition to hiring every single Toth Elementary School fourth grade crossing guard.
“We’re super qualified,” said one fourth grader. “And we get free samples!”
The issues with Perrysburg’s parking lot don’t end there. This year’s phone ban in schools has caused many students to be desperate to check their phones, causing back ups.
According to a junior on the men’s tennis team, “it takes twice as long to get out of the parking lot because people will sit in the middle of the lanes just scrolling through their notifications! It has gotten so bad my coach has threatened to cut me from the team for consistent tardiness, and I don’t know what to do. I’ll just have to drive faster.”
Even with all of these issues, there are some perks. Because of all the extra tickets he is writing in the Perrysburg parking lot, Officer Cole is running for LEO (law enforcement officer) of the year.
“Despite what I’m doing at Costco,” he explained while putting black paint over parking lines in the store’s lot, “the extra tickets I’ve been giving out at the high school have qualified me to run for this award. As much as I want safety to be restored, the recognition pretty awesome.”
Costco representatives have only commented that they “are bulk on groceries and bulk on safety.”
Perrysburg principal Dr. Justin Fults gave his opinion on the issue.
“I mean, at Perrysburg, we strive to be number one in everything we do. Sports, arts, education. Now that includes fender benders…” he concluded.
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