eNothin Exclusive: Secret tunnels lead to Mr. Freeze in ice cream catastrophe

Maddie Prater
eNothin staff

Recently, Perrysburg schools administration discovered something strange – what looked to be “underground pathways” discovered during an investigation about a leaky pipe in the basement.

The school had been having maintenance issues for a while. Problems seemingly kept coming up every day: leaking pipes, loose electrical cords, and random collapses of vital pieces of foundation, which can be dangerous.

After frustration and confusion, the root of the cause was discovered to be a highly detailed and strategic set of underground tunnels. Upon further investigation, students were caught travelling through the pathways to Mr Freeze, a legendary local ice cream shop, a nearly three-mile distance from the high school.

Several teachers had been reporting suspicious behaviour from students, including disappearing at random points throughout the day and returning with Shamrock Shakes.

The problem is, with 2,000 students having access to these tunnels, school board and administration had to act.

Parents are angry at the school for not knowing where their children are. Allegedly, students stopped eating school food altogether because they’d rather have Mr Freeze, and the P.E teachers are struggling to understand why they’re suddenly able to run ahead of students decades younger than them. And these are only a handful of issues that have come up.

Mr. Freeze has suddenly gained a suspiciously high revenues, over $10,000 a day in excess profit, or enough to account for a $5 cup of ice cream per student at the high school. With all this extra money, Mr. Freeze plans to open up more locations near Woodland, Ft. Meigs, and HPI.

Some of the construction plans even require the demolition of playgrounds and parks near the schools, meaning kids won’t get the exercise and fresh air they need to balance out their already excessive ice cream intakes.

“What about the kids?” one parent said. “Nobody cares about the kids. Its just money, money, money.”

“This won’t work in the long run,” another parent said. “Assuming anyone in this town can still run.”

It seems that all parties can’t keep up, literally or not.

The school had to decide between two options: to wait and hope people get sick of having ice cream all the time, or to do something.

The environmental club suggested human exercise wheels for students to use. Since the school can’t afford to keep the electric bills paid due to the lack of funding, these exercise wheels will also generate enough power to keep the lights on.

This way, students get exercise, and the school gets power.

Some community members, however, are concerned about the dignity of the students.

“How would you feel if you were treated like a giant hamster?” one citizen said.

Within 24 hours of the idea being public, hundreds of angry tweeters fired back about the solution, claiming that it doesn’t teach students healthy eating habits, and that there’s nowhere to put the wheels.

A rumor of a pro-ice cream rally is said to be brewing. Plans were leaked earlier this week of students gathering up to 1,000lbs of ice cream with the plan to cover the school in it to protest the pushback on their ice cream consumption.

With spring break just around the corner, administration hopes the situation will blow over and students will come back refreshed and calmer.

So, how much ice cream can you handle?

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